Chapter 1

The Past

Being an ambivert is advantageous and has its own negative deals in its own ways. During my childhood, I still remember that I least involved myself with other kids. I kept myself in a different comfort zone which was not allowed to invade by anyone. I least played sports, talked to less people, preserving myself in a very different skin but it does not mean that I was quite interested in studies. Never. I only liked to watch other children playing in the school playground. They all were crazy. God knows! How much noisy they were. Their poor languages and their bad attitudes involving abusive words, made me distant from them more. I had not more than a few friends. Those days, weeding had not done in the playground that was why the wild grasses had become too long. They were long enough for us to play hide and seek easily there. Even I had some friends in my school but I was all alone at my home possessing not a single friend in my neighborhood.

I was much keen in art and painting. But there was not a single class for painting and there was no teacher of art in the school. Even I made a few beautiful pictures, cartoons and beautiful sceneries. I felt very proud in showing them to my classmates, friends and my teachers. I felt me at the seventh sky when they threw the flowers of appreciation on me.

The school was 2 miles distance from my residence so my dad used to drop me there daily. I loved to eat sweets. That’s why my dad brought me rasgullas every night. I was so fond of them and I had cavities in my teeth as a consequence. My friends took me to the nearer cold drink shop daily and we used to drink lemon soda. Those days, our school started to publish magazines for the very first time and my English teacher wanted me to write something for the annual magazine. I was a chick for this work but she pressurized me. So for the very first time they edited my texts in their magazine.

How much happy in your womb I was!

Nourishing up with your love and affection,

Waiting for that hope of light

When I finally got to be in your hands,

Watching your beautiful and curious face.

Today, we went to the doctor,

And suddenly what happened to you maa?

How can you become so cruel?

How can you kill me inside your womb,

By your own hands?

I also want to live,

Want to breath,

Want to see this beautiful world.

Let me come in this world maa.

Oh, now I know why you want to kill me,

Just ‘cause I am a girl child.

You pray Saraswati,

For knowledge.

You fast for Laxmi,

For money.

You feast Brahmins praying Durga,

For destroying evils,

But you love sons…not daughters?

I am your own seed,

I am your own piece,

Still why?

I have the same right to live like boys,

Please don’t kill me,

Let me live maa…

And this was my first time when I started writing though it was not that fab but for a kid who was just in junior school, it might be the toughest thing to do.

I was very excited at the first day of my high school. But my brother ruined my excitation as he made me a late comer for the very first day. The day was quite full of fun for me. The school was new for me. I woke up early in the morning for the school but my brother got me late. I was punished for the first time for coming late. The days were going smoothly and I had managed to make a few friends. I was in a group of seven including three girls. At that time, Mrs. Madhu used to teach us English. She was quite old but she was not less than any young and hot lady for us. Ankit was the funniest guy of the group though adorable. He was good at cracking jokes with teachers unlike me who took five years to transform myself a little bit and to come out of my comfort zone. One day we were sitting in her class, yawning as we already were tired and she had given us the summary to write about a poem. Suddenly,    Ankit said, ‘Madam! What are you wearing tomorrow for the school party’.

‘Of course, I will be in a saree’.

‘No madam, it does not suit you be in a saree’, he made a wry face.

‘So, what should I wear tomorrow?’ she smiled.

‘A jeans and a top, madam’, he whispered.

‘Are you crazy! Have you seen my age?’ she laughed as much as she could. It made us burst into laughter listening the joke which he had machined a little while ago.

‘No madam, you will really look like a hot lady. Age is no bar for wearing such dresses’, he looked serious ignoring the class.

‘Thanks dear but it will be better to wear a saree’.

I was still interested in art till then. My paintings got popularized among the students and teachers and even they got selected for the school magazine too. It was my board exams that year and I was busy painting abstracts. As a hobby I used to read Hindi stories. I had read my Hindi textbooks for more than a hundred of times. Every night I used to read one story from the book. There was a note written in the book which I still remember.

‘Sana-sana hath Jodi

Gardahu prarthna

Hamro jeevan,

Tamro kosel’

It means “I pray with my tiny hands, that my life is a tribute to goodness.” Every morning when I woke up, I used to chatter these words before getting up from the bed.

The year flew away so quickly. It went very noisy and howling with my friends. The three months after the exams went very deadly to me. I went to my village to meet mommy. When I stepped my feet inside the house, I met with a bucket full of color on me. I heard the craziest laughing of my cousin. Yes. Yes, it was Holi. He wished me happy Holi and gave me a hug. I touched the feet of my mommy and said, “Pranam”. It was my first time being there on the occasion of Holi. The neighbor’s children came to greet me. Their hands were full of gulals. They seemed to have fallen in mud and dung. They were crawling from here to there. They irritated me much more.  The noise of drums gave me a ear pain. The villagers were shouting the songs of fagun. It was the strangest experience for me of Holi.

When the results of our board exams came out, I got off to Dehradun again. I was quite happy as I scored much more than I had expected. I got admitted for my further studies. That year was the worst of all my school life as I had failed in Chemistry but the good news was I was promoted to twelfth class with grace. I did not know that something beautiful would be waiting for me the very next year.