CHAPTER 7

 

For a few days, Sam didn’t show up as I had ditched him to join the farewell function with him, I knew he would be thinking something nonsense recklessly for sure that might soon catch him a headache being away from me and would return to my gaze so I used this as a leverage and stayed silent for a week until he came to me on his own to make up with me.

And as I said, some evening he got his ass back at my door saying he needed my Vistas if I had already prepared for the English exam. He asked me if I mind to go with him to the Cyber Hub and I simply nodded yes.

He took me to the nearest one where he used to go often whenever he needed to chill out watching Xvideos, Paranoid. I swear on my life, I had never watched any of that stuff till then, even I had no idea about those websites but he had done his PhD gaining knowledge about them. We had already hit our puberty and watching, engaging, actually being consumed in these stuffs was totally normal and we both enjoyed it.

When we were getting back home he seemed very upset and when I pleaded to know, he became fragile ‘You don’t even care about my absence now. You are more into your friends than me. I exist like nowhere in your life and if someday I am no longer around you, you would probably not be bothered, or even miss me a little bit.’

‘Oh gawwd! You are being naïve again. So you seriously mended this in past one week? You overdosed your brain with this garbage. And this makes no sense to me how and where do you cook these craps to feed upon.’ I shot and placed my arm around his neck, said ‘You’re my best friend, though you are jackass sometimes and nag ridiculously but I can’t lose you anyhow because if I lose you then I will lose myself. I love you more than anyone, okay?’

‘More than Harshita too?’ he surrendered his worries unconsciously and it comforted me to some another level.

Are you being possessive Sam! I won’t lose you ever, I promise. I will never ever protest when you would say something like this, at least not that seldom.

I spanked him on his butts and laughed, yes even more than her, clambered on his back and said ‘Send me home, I’m scared to walk alone in this lonesome evening, it’s almost dark already.’

‘So my wify loves me this much.’ He waved his body in the air and his flexed neck was extended in no long.

‘You jerk.’ I jumped and tried to catch him to kick him hard.

You will be okay soon, I know you very well, more than anyone I guess, you’re my alter ego. But I am a bitch to act I did not care enough and miss you. I missed you so much.

February had a busy schedule arranging annual weeks and annual functions, prize distribution, photo-sessions for school magazines and few things I clearly don’t remember. I and Abhishek got equal prizes and trophies so we both tied up the bet but we both were the only students who got maximum trophies and shields.

The whole month of March was consumed in our board exams. The whole month rolled away and I didn’t much talk to either Sam or Harshita but we still managed to text each other trolling about exams and the preparations. Everybody was going on holidays except me who was left all alone at home. Sam went to Saharanpur, Harshita and Harshit went to Tirupati, Shivani went to Vaishno Devi, Preeti went to her cousins in Shimla, Sapna went back to Delhi and I had no clue about Abhishek.

For a month after our exams when everyone was hell busy enjoying their holidays, I was dying for Sam as he hadn’t came back Dun till then and staying at home for this long had already fucked up my mind.

When I called him, he never answered my calls or even replied my texts. One day I saw him online on FB and it intoxicated me enough to bark at him in messenger. He replied with a simple text ‘My cell phone broke down and I was quite busy here with my cousins so I could not call you back. I am using my cousin’s phone for now so I will talk to you later. Bye.’ He occasionally experienced me patronizing.

My relationship with Harshita was going smooth and I was going with the flow as she was the only one who had fixed me whenever I missed and cried over Sam. We did phone sex I guess every week, met for dates, went to parks, fairs but we never had any physical relationship, we did not even kiss on lips due to a lot of diffidence from both sides.

One day I logged into my FB and she had shared her post and tagged me.

How cute and naughty things

happen between GF and BF…

Even though staying in a long relationship

their love doesn’t end for each other…

Fighting over every small thing,

break up all of a sudden

and think they will never talk again

but apologizing the very next day…

‘Good Morning, hello shona’ messages

and then persuading each other,

sending sad emojies, and saying love you

to make up all again,

to tease each other, and share love songs when

they miss their partner like ‘Tum hi ho’,

I just wanna spend my life with you,

tagging each other on FB

and when her male friends calling her babe or something,

his being envious and getting mad taking her in person and saying I don’t feel good, I love you.

That silent feeling,

how sweet sweet things happen in a relationship.

But finally after breakup,

reading their previous old messages

and praying for their happiness,

smiling but eyes full of tears,

connecting every sad song with their selves,

getting bore and feel heartless every moment

still hoping that one day everything will be alright..

How strange is it, right? So called’LOVE.’

v   

The absence of Sam had started bothering me hellishly and it was overriding my senses. Our results had come out and I had scored poor marks.

Still more than my expectations as I had done blunder in physics and mathematics.

Everybody got passed but then I had not any of the slightest idea about Sam. I tried checking out his result on internet but I had not his roll number so my hardwork went in vain. I tried contacting his friends on FB and finally someone texted me his roll number. When I opened the website of CBSE board results 2015, I was shocked. He was doomed, badly, in all the three main subjects with very very low grades. For few hours I kept negociating what to do next and finally I called him but the call did not go through for even a single time.

I texted him on FB when he came online and asked normally about his result and he replied that he passed the exams with flying colors. He lied, of course. I waited for a few minutes and could not resist to text him ‘I know about your results Sam, I already checked it out on the website.’

And the very next second he had logged out his account. I waited, waited, and waited but he did not come online. The next day when I tried texting him, I couldn’t find his account anywhere, I was blocked, from everywhere, on calls, on texts even on the social media too.

This was the last text he ever sent me then, after that I could not find him on either FB, or any other social media, his phone could not reach and whenever I tried to visit his house, a huge lock hanged on his door.

            I kept myself shut in the house until I got admitted into college. All this while I went to Mini Mussoorie alone every evening, sat on the street side benches, gazed at the scenery, recalled my older days with Sam, all those days when we were together, the hangouts we did, the horror movies and Xvideos we watched at internet cafes, all those small fights, his being disheartened, his being jerk and naïve every time, the way he used to call me his wify, the bike rides, his dramatic dialogues, his being jealous, and everything which had between two of us. My memories kept on playing inside my mind like an old TV, sometimes uncleared, sometimes cleared, sometimes shut down and stopped functioning when the antenna is swayed due to bad weather but this happened thoroughly. I missed him that badly even I didn’t talk to any of my other friends, not even Harshit.

            All the universities I had applied for, had passed the cut off and I was nowhere in their list from top to bottom in any of the university. Abhishek had gone in a Pharmacy university, Shivani was taken under nursing college, Preeti had joined some private college, Harshit was admitted for Baluni classes, Sapna had chosen a Biotechnology faculty in Haryana University and I was still knocking at universities if I could get an admission. I kept myself up late at nights, googling and surfing for colleges and universities but I could not get any information, maybe it was already too late as September had already started and all seats were occupied. I was panicked so much. I cried at nights fearing about my future, the grand and royal future that I was building in my illusions even after doing blunder in exams, catching movies with Sam, watching porn, reading Manga, late night chats with Harshita, singing blues about my love life and the diaries that I used to do and decorate. I could not sleep and had invented insomnia, giving up upon my dreams and it made me sob more.

On the other hand I missed Sam too thinking perhaps I no longer existed in his life and it gave me a cold sensation over the term we call ‘Best Friends.’

            ‘You won’t even miss me when I will be no more around you.’ This was said by him, but I had not known that I would literally miss my best friend to this extent. Every night I wrote something for him in hope if he someday comes back to me, I will show them to him that I had already wrote while missing him.

Day by day, I mug up you,

The promises which you left due,

Our hangouts and the wonderful memories,

Your being jerk, written in diaries.

Day by day, I feel sadden,

I wish I had them bounden,

Our daily trips and evening walks,

With a lot of fun and ton of talks.

Day by day, I like roses,

Then I started writing clauses,

I wasn’t sorry as I had no dare,

You know it well, you didn’t do fair.

Day by day, I fell depressed,

I wish I had myself expressed,

May be I was mad or you were delusive,

What wrong I did as you snatched my exclusive?

Day by day, if I had only known,

That you will never come again,

I would have hugged you strong,

And never let anything go this wrong.

Day by day, I am departing,

As my life taste acrid without you,

You mutilated my friendship and I fell gory,

I wish you had given me a chance, to say I’m sorry.

Day by day, I will be carried,

On my deathbed to my cemetery,

Yes, I died just because I wasn’t enough brave,

Forgive me at least and come to my grave.

v   

It was the fourth day of initial September. The morning was real awesome, the sun was happy to shine over the skyline while I did my prayers and Surya Namaskara to sat on my couch after taking my porridge to Google some courses I needed to do as I was in a very bad condition over my career and I didn’t really want to drop out that year.

I checked my emails, there were about a dozen of mails pending which I had to read and go through. Every mail I read, it laughed over my helpless, poor and ugly fate saying sorry sir but our university has already taken enough students and all seats have already booked a long ago.

It was my last mail I had opened to have a look hopelessly. I read the name of the college, I had not even heard its name before then, a Biomedical college, having a slot left in faculty of Physiotherapy. Yes, yes, yes I made it, I found it finally, I don’t have to drop out now. My hands trembled and I ran to the next room of my brother to inform him that I finally got a college. That day we went for the admission, I enrolled into the college and I never knew it would be the biggest mistake of my life.